Why are Transitions So Hard and How to Help (3 tips)

You’re getting ready to leave the house and you’ve given your kid a couple of warnings. You’ve let them know their toys need to be cleaned up, their shoes on, and out the door in 10 minutes. But when you come to their room, you find them still playing with their toys, no shoes on, and they are not ready to go. “Put your toys away, now!” you say firmly. “No! I don’t want to go! I want to stay here!” they say back. You sigh, frustrated, because some version of this feels like it happens most days. But why? Why are kids so resistant to transitions like this? Whether it’s leaving the house, moving from one activity to another, or something else, why does it seem like kids resist any sort of transition? I’ll give you some insight below, and three tips that can help you maintain calm during most transitions.

When trying to get kids to move from one activity to another or to “transition” there is usually a lack of cooperation, defiant behavior, or tantrums, which can be incredibly frustrating for parents. What is going on underneath our kids' behavior is far less nefarious; our kids are not trying to be difficult or disrespectful. When we introduce a transition to our kids, this activates a stress response in their brains. When this happens, their fight or flight response kicks in and makes it difficult for them to follow directions. Here's how to help ease the stress that transitions can cause:

1)      Get down on their level: Sit on the floor with them for a minute. Check out what they are doing. Ask questions. Make eye contact. Connect. Why this works: you are joining their world for a few moments. This connection can regulate them and make them feel seen. It will help ease the transition when you tell them it’s time to wrap up their activity.

2)      Give them choices: Some kids respond well to this and some don’t. It’s worth experimenting. Give them choices about what they want to do before they have to leave (do they want to do the slide or the swing for the next 5 minutes?)

Why this works: For kids that need more autonomy, this can help them feel like they have more of a say in their next move. This can ease the stress of the transition.

3)      Make it playful: Make it fun! The best way to regulate a child is through play! Make it fun. Think of ways to engage your child in the transition in a fun way. Race to the car. Bear walks to their shoes. Race to clean up their blocks. Why this works: Kids cannot resist play. It is a love language and the key to their hearts and minds. When in doubt, try and connect with play.

Transitions are stressful but these tips can help! Try them out and let me know if they help you! 

Jamie is a certified parent coach. She specializes in coaching parents on how to raise resilient kids with love and limits. She is focused on preserving the parent/child connection, fostering emotional regulation, and helping parents embody their roles as leaders and mentors to their children. If you have a question or topic you’d like to read more about, write to  therepairentcoach@gmail.com, and with your approval, your submission may be featured in a future column!  Website: www.therepairentcoach.com; Instagram: @therepairentcoach